Last night I finally broke down. I have been telling Jake for a few months I’ve been struggling with the day-to-day things. I felt like I was running out of spoons Every. Single.Day. I’ve been telling him that I could feel my depression come on. Last night he finally saw the beast in all it’s glory.
I have been doing a great job at masking my problems via social media. I can take picture of my girls, or a good meal when I feel the energy to finally cook. What they don’t see if that I haven’t showered in a week. Not because I didn’t have the chance but because I didn’t see the point. Or that I keep wearing the same clothes without washing them. That I continue to cancel every plan because I can’t handle the stress of getting out of my house. That I’m always tired even though my kids both sleep through the night. That I can’t grocery shop anymore or really spend more than an hour away from the house without anxiety. That I cry at the drop of a hat.
I am battling Post Partdum Depression, and lately I’ve been losing.
I have medicine. I could take it, but I’d have to quit breast feeding. Also, it knocks me out so bad the first few days that I can’t watch the kids on my own, and Jake can’t take off work for that. Honestly, Jake had no idea how bad it had gotten until last night. Last night I lost it. I had run out of all my spoons for a week. I had tried to pretend I was ok and tried to take on too much- I took the kids out in public alone (normally not a problem unless you can barely handle taking yourself out in public). I tried to make a picnic for Raye and I and took all of us to the park. Just the meal prep alone was more spoons than I had for the day- but I tried to push through. Then when we got home the kids each had meltdowns, Jake ran late and threw a kink in my plans and it was over for me. I was angry which quickly turned into belligerent crying. And he saw it. He finally saw that I really am struggling.
He took off today. I got some self care. And we all went to the park. Little by little I will conquer this. But it’s hard. And often overlooked. People think just because you have two kids that your life should be out of whack. That you are just a slob. That you are just too busy with your kids. Everyone thinks it’s all the norm and shrug off the clear cut signs that someone is capsizing.
I was sinking but I didn’t drown. I can be fixed. I will fix it- with the help of Jake.